Things That Go bump In The Night

Things That Go bump In The Night

I was in a deep sleep, dreaming of things that I won't mention here when my step-daughter came in and woke my wife and me up. The dogs were in the backyard barking at some animal and when she went outside to investigate, she heard an evil growl. I pretended to still be asleep and my wife went out to see what it was. She could not find a flash light, so she went and downloaded a flash light app for her new iPhone 4 then came and got me, so I could be attacked by the unknown creature.

I went out into the dark with only the iPhone flashlight and a monopod as a weapon. When my dogs, one a Dachshund and the other a Jack Russell Terrier mix, saw that I had joined them in the defense of the yard, high tailed it to the safety of the house. Now, all alone, I knew it was up to me to battle this mysterious creature of the night. 

I scanned the landscape with the aid of the light from the iPhone and saw no eyes reflecting back at me. I could hear the creatures growl which was unfamiliar to me. In a deep Sylvester Stallone voice, I called out, “Yo, are you a raccoon?” and was startled when in a Hispanic voice I heard, “No.” I quickly ran through all of the Spanish speaking animals in my head and concluded that it had to be the creature of many myths and legends, the infamous Chupacabra!!! Great!!!

I took a deep breath and said in Spanish, thanks to another iPhone app, “Are you a Chupacabra?” From the shadows of my 150+ year old oak trees I heard the reply “Si.” The rest of the conversation I will translate for your convenience. “Mr. Chupacabra, do you wish to do my family any harm?” “No.” The Chupacabra replied. “Then why are you in my backyard late at night?” I questioned. “I was only searching the neighborhood for any leftover pizza that had been put into the trash.” The Chupacabra explained. “Pizza? I thought you were from a Latin American culture, why pizza?” The Chupacabra then told me how he had came to this country as a small Chupacabra many years ago and that he lost the taste for many Latin foods and now lived mainly on a diet of pizza and fried chicken.

After our conversation about his diet, we came to an agreement that he would not lurk around in my backyard and that I would leave him left overs in a designated location on the side of the house. To prevent this from happening to you, please be sure to keep all garbage in animal proof containers and please do not leave food out that raccoons, opossums, bears, or other animals can get to.